strawberry wine..

"my first taste of love, oh, bittersweet.. green on the vine.... like strawberry wine" there's always going to be the one that doesn't work out.. and in light of my recent feelings, [in general terms i miss having a boyfriend, not carter, just having someone you know?] i find that this quote is something that will help me get through everything that has happened. "the hot july moon, saw everything" this summer was one of my best.. in recollection there was quite alot of work, but there was also alot of play. i learned alot about relationships, and about myself. i grew, and finally learned what i want and need.. also what i deserve. this past relationship is something that i will base all further ones on.. i know i shouldn't, but you all know that i will. i'll find someone to love with all my heart that appreciates what i do for them. "we drifted away like the leaves in the fall, year after year i'd come back to this place, just to remember the taste... of strawberry wine" apparently you all knew it was coming, since the breakup was one of Jordan's predictions. and i'm glad you didn't tell me. i needed to learn for myself what was coming. its been.. almost a month now, and i'm finally at peace with myself. i like where i am, [for the most part anyway, with the exception of a certain infatuation which i won't get into] and i'm sure i'll be back to 'normal' eventually. for all of those reading this that don't really understand.. sorry. maybe you weren't meant to. later days.

best commercial ever

How tired i am of this, unbearable distance between us, how i long for the toll of the recess bell. Have you forgotten me? Grown mindless of me? Tell me that i am not writing into an abyss, or that is what will become of my heart. i fucking love that commercial! yay!

that's such a dirty word.

due to my new-found independence, which came mainly from my newly single status.. i have started to wonder about a few things.. and what i came up with was quite interesting. i am in what i like to call 'relationship purgatory' for purgatory i found two definitions [from what microsoft word 2003 would give me] 1. place of suffering in Roman Catholic doctrine, the place in which the souls remain until they have expiated their sins before they go to heaven. well this is all well and good, but i mean.. im not really suffering.. all that much anyway.. maybe just in lack of 'getting some' but thats really not all that important to me anyway.. and 2. miserable situation an extremely uncomfortable, painful, or unpleasant situation or experience. sure, this one hits closer to the mark than somewhere between heaven and hell, granted, it sure is uncomfortable at times... but i think relationship purgatory is more along the lines of this definition from the wonderful book of sara, in which you will also find the meanings of words such as 'a-burn' and 'suckamyjunk' relationship purgatory: the state in which a person is in between relationships. sure you could call it 'single' but that's such a dirty word, i mean.. during my time being 'single' i have rarely been by myself.. which is like a relationship in its own right. so i think, rather than call it 'single' it should from this point forward be known as relationship purgatory. later days.

my time in fantasyland

well, i guess my time in fantasy land just ended.. i saw carter today, we talked, in person and my thoughts of us getting back together were seemingly.. off the mark shall we say. i confessed to him that i thought we should give it another chance, that we owe it to ourselves to at least try it again.. but no such luck. "it's over isn't it" "yeah, i think so" needless to say this isn't the answer i thought i was going to get, but i should have known by the two foot, but seemingly grand canyon like gap between us. the perfection we once had, now shattered.. by what? i guess i'm never going to know, but at least now i know how i will act when i see him. calm, collected. no tears. because i'll be damned if i ever let him see how much his nonchalance affects me. i'll still love him of course, that much is for certain. i think that a little part of me will always be in love with him. but hopefully, i can find someone who can love and care for me the way that i need to be loved and cared for. but now i can slowly climb my way out of my own personal heartbreak.. i am no stranger to heartbreak.. but i am a stranger to the kind that cuts this deep. i guess that i can finally start to let go now, instead of holding on to impossible dreams. i'll still have the memories of course.. those are the best part.. and maybe, sometime in the distant future, i'll be able to wear that ring i loved so much.. the symbol of that fleeting perfection.. ah the first love.. this is one to pack up, and shove deep down into my heart.. and take out on those lonely days.. you know the ones.. where its rainy, and nothing is really going your way.. i can look back and think hey... that was amazing.. and it really was.. right down to the end. this is one to tell the grandchildren about.. when im old and grey i can pull out the ring, the bracelet and the necklace and say.. these were from my first love.. and i can delight them with tales of how amazing and fresh and new it was... how perfectly right it felt.. all the way down to the end.. i just hope that he finally gets back that life in him.. the one that i fell in love with.. the one that he lost somewhere down the line.. i hope that he gets through this with much less pain then i feel.. but then again... to guys its just sex anyway right? later days.

hmmm

well i came on here to write my little brains out.. but then i realized.. i don't really have anything to say.. im pretty confident that i've said it all really. except.. things are changing.. for good or for bad... im not really sure. but things are definately changing.. of course im still obsessive compulsive.. about what, you all know. because clearly i can't stop talking about it. yep. later days.

no sex in the city..

well in my haze of sex and the city addiction, i had a revelation... watching these episodes over and over is.. well, mildly unhealthy.. in using it as an aid to.. well.. clearly my posts are all about him anyway.. i don't really know what im using it as an aid for.. im.. how shall we say.. stuck in a self deprecating.. but loving it slump.. haha.. you know.. i actually kind of like where i am.. i feel like im still dating carter (i know guys.. im pathetic.. just bear with me) but i know im not? lol... im physically unattached.. i suppose.. hmm.. okay now im just rambling really.. but i mean.. i just watched carrie walk out of a changeroom wearing a pink.. lace.. THING. haha my goodness.. im a lost cause guys... go on!!! save yourself!!! im addicted to this damn show.. frick kate.. its all your fault. i blame you why would you give me the entire set. why? frick. kate. okay guys. it's bed time.... after one more episode. ARG!!! i'm living vicariously through a tv show!!! later days..

in regards to saturday night..

well.. the night at jordan's.. was.. interesting.. and im not in the least bit embarassed to say that the best part was the drive home!! .. so.. this is a tribute to saturday night.. the songs that bring us together "Punk Rock 101" She works at hot topic His heart microscopic She thinks that its love but to him its sex He listens to emo but fat mike's his hero His bank account's zero What comes next? Same song different chorus [Chorus:] It's stupid, contagious To be broke and famous Can someone please save us from punk rock 101 My Dickies, your sweat pants My spiked hair, your new Vans Let's throw up our rock hands for punk rock 101 She bought him a skateboard, a rail slide, his knee tore He traded it for drums at the local pawn shop She left him for staring at girls and not caring When she cried because she thought Bon Jovi broke up Same song second chorus [Chorus] Don't forget to dely...on the very last word Seven years later he works as a waiter She married a trucker and he's never there The story never changes, just the names and faces Like Tommy and Gina they're living on a prayer Did you just say that? I said [Chorus x2] It's stupid, contagious (same song different chorus) To be broke and famous (same song different chorus) Can someone please save us from punk rock 101 My Dickies, your rock hands My spiked hair, your new Vans Let's shoplift some sweatbands for punk rock 101 "Flavor of the Week" She paints her nails and she don't know He's got her best friend on the phone She'll wash her hair, His dirty clothes are all he gives to her And he's got posters on the wall Of all the girls he wished she was And he means everything to her Chorus: Her boyfriend, he don't know Anything about her He's too stoned, Nintendo I wish that I could make her see She's just the flavour of the week It's friday night and she's all alone He's a million miles away She's dressed to kill But the TV's on He's connected to the sound And he's got pictures on the wall Of all the girls he's loved before And she knows all his favourite songs Repeat Chorus Her boyfriend, he don't know Anything about her He's too stoned, he's too stoned He's too stoned, he's too stoned Repeat Chorus Yeah she's the flavour of the week But she makes me weak sitting in the back of michelle's car.. singing those songs with her, jess and alex it made me think.. what am i waiting for? why be so depressed with all these great people around me? of course by now you all have realized that im alluding to carter and i.. but when am i not? im so hung up on this thing.. that it was like i couldn't have fun.. but then something miraculous happened... carter and i started texting each other.. well.. the lines of communication are open.. and you know what.. i know now that everything is going to be okay. no matter what happens.. we get back together.. we don't.. everything will be fine. ...eventually. later days

in regards to saturday night..

well.. the night at jordan's.. was.. interesting.. and im not in the least bit embarassed to say that the best part was the drive home!! .. so.. this is a tribute to saturday night.. the songs that bring us together "Punk Rock 101" She works at hot topic His heart microscopic She thinks that its love but to him its sex He listens to emo but fat mike's his hero His bank account's zero What comes next? Same song different chorus [Chorus:] It's stupid, contagious To be broke and famous Can someone please save us from punk rock 101 My Dickies, your sweat pants My spiked hair, your new Vans Let's throw up our rock hands for punk rock 101 She bought him a skateboard, a rail slide, his knee tore He traded it for drums at the local pawn shop She left him for staring at girls and not caring When she cried because she thought Bon Jovi broke up Same song second chorus [Chorus] Don't forget to dely...on the very last word Seven years later he works as a waiter She married a trucker and he's never there The story never changes, just the names and faces Like Tommy and Gina they're living on a prayer Did you just say that? I said [Chorus x2] It's stupid, contagious (same song different chorus) To be broke and famous (same song different chorus) Can someone please save us from punk rock 101 My Dickies, your rock hands My spiked hair, your new Vans Let's shoplift some sweatbands for punk rock 101 "Flavor of the Week" She paints her nails and she don't know He's got her best friend on the phone She'll wash her hair, His dirty clothes are all he gives to her And he's got posters on the wall Of all the girls he wished she was And he means everything to her Chorus: Her boyfriend, he don't know Anything about her He's too stoned, Nintendo I wish that I could make her see She's just the flavour of the week It's friday night and she's all alone He's a million miles away She's dressed to kill But the TV's on He's connected to the sound And he's got pictures on the wall Of all the girls he's loved before And she knows all his favourite songs Repeat Chorus Her boyfriend, he don't know Anything about her He's too stoned, he's too stoned He's too stoned, he's too stoned Repeat Chorus Yeah she's the flavour of the week But she makes me weak sitting in the back of michelle's car.. singing those songs with her, jess and alex it made me think.. what am i waiting for? why be so depressed with all these great people around me? of course by now you all have realized that im alluding to carter and i.. but when am i not? im so hung up on this thing.. that it was like i couldn't have fun.. but then something miraculous happened... carter and i started texting each other.. well.. the lines of communication are open.. and you know what.. i know now that everything is going to be okay. no matter what happens.. we get back together.. we don't.. everything will be fine. ...eventually. later days

well. drinking doesn't help.

well this is interesting.. im obsessed with a guy who doesn't fucking want me.. and you know what.. im not ashamed to admit that i would do anything to get him back. anything.. but that doesn't matter.. while hes off doing whatever he does.. im stuck in a rut.. which makes me think.. how long was this going on? at the lake while i thought we were having a great time togehter? or before that?! who really knows right.. who really does all i know is that people keep telling me that hes not worth it and all that shit. but deep down inside.. i know i'll never love another person like i did carter emde. seriously.. it doesn't matter what happens. he will always be my first.. and will always have that special place in my heart. hell.. i thought it was marriage for sure. but apparently im not only blind but naive as well.. but hey. what are you going to do right? nothing. you can't do shit about it. and people will try to console me, and try to help me get over it.. but the truth is.. i don't want to get over it.. as shitty as it may have seemed.. i want it all back.. that thats the fucking truth. but it kills me to know that he doesn't give a shit. and probably never really did.. he said what he needed to get what he wanted from me. because he knew that i would be blinded by my love for him and do anything he asked for. but nothing was good enough. nothing at all.. i could have busted my ass harder than everyone in the world and i would have gotten the same response.. "oh.. its okay" so why, you wonder, is sara sitting here ranting about all this? the truth.. i have no idea ... maybe its because when i fall... i fall hard.. and well.. this was the hardest of all.. sure you say i was out of his league.. and maybe i was.. but he made me happier than anyone in the entire world.. when things were good... it was like walking on fucking clouds.. and you know what.. i would do anything to go back to that. anything. all this bullshit pretending that im fine.. well newsflash. im not. im not fine. i will never BE fine. because i wanted to marry the guy. yes its true. i wanted to be mrs. sara emde. and im not ashamed. at all. now how am i supposed to find another person to love me.. when the person i gave my whole heart to.. doesn't even want me? i ask you that. thats my fucking 64 million dollar question.

fuck.

fuck do i ever hate being alone. you can do so much better than him. better off without him. you don't need a guy for you to be strong. i hate this. i was happier shrouded in ignorance. i'll try to be strong.. but i know in the end i'll take him back because i love him too much still.