my time in fantasyland

well, i guess my time in fantasy land just ended.. i saw carter today, we talked, in person and my thoughts of us getting back together were seemingly.. off the mark shall we say. i confessed to him that i thought we should give it another chance, that we owe it to ourselves to at least try it again.. but no such luck. "it's over isn't it" "yeah, i think so" needless to say this isn't the answer i thought i was going to get, but i should have known by the two foot, but seemingly grand canyon like gap between us. the perfection we once had, now shattered.. by what? i guess i'm never going to know, but at least now i know how i will act when i see him. calm, collected. no tears. because i'll be damned if i ever let him see how much his nonchalance affects me. i'll still love him of course, that much is for certain. i think that a little part of me will always be in love with him. but hopefully, i can find someone who can love and care for me the way that i need to be loved and cared for. but now i can slowly climb my way out of my own personal heartbreak.. i am no stranger to heartbreak.. but i am a stranger to the kind that cuts this deep. i guess that i can finally start to let go now, instead of holding on to impossible dreams. i'll still have the memories of course.. those are the best part.. and maybe, sometime in the distant future, i'll be able to wear that ring i loved so much.. the symbol of that fleeting perfection.. ah the first love.. this is one to pack up, and shove deep down into my heart.. and take out on those lonely days.. you know the ones.. where its rainy, and nothing is really going your way.. i can look back and think hey... that was amazing.. and it really was.. right down to the end. this is one to tell the grandchildren about.. when im old and grey i can pull out the ring, the bracelet and the necklace and say.. these were from my first love.. and i can delight them with tales of how amazing and fresh and new it was... how perfectly right it felt.. all the way down to the end.. i just hope that he finally gets back that life in him.. the one that i fell in love with.. the one that he lost somewhere down the line.. i hope that he gets through this with much less pain then i feel.. but then again... to guys its just sex anyway right? later days.