well. drinking doesn't help.

well this is interesting.. im obsessed with a guy who doesn't fucking want me.. and you know what.. im not ashamed to admit that i would do anything to get him back. anything.. but that doesn't matter.. while hes off doing whatever he does.. im stuck in a rut.. which makes me think.. how long was this going on? at the lake while i thought we were having a great time togehter? or before that?! who really knows right.. who really does all i know is that people keep telling me that hes not worth it and all that shit. but deep down inside.. i know i'll never love another person like i did carter emde. seriously.. it doesn't matter what happens. he will always be my first.. and will always have that special place in my heart. hell.. i thought it was marriage for sure. but apparently im not only blind but naive as well.. but hey. what are you going to do right? nothing. you can't do shit about it. and people will try to console me, and try to help me get over it.. but the truth is.. i don't want to get over it.. as shitty as it may have seemed.. i want it all back.. that thats the fucking truth. but it kills me to know that he doesn't give a shit. and probably never really did.. he said what he needed to get what he wanted from me. because he knew that i would be blinded by my love for him and do anything he asked for. but nothing was good enough. nothing at all.. i could have busted my ass harder than everyone in the world and i would have gotten the same response.. "oh.. its okay" so why, you wonder, is sara sitting here ranting about all this? the truth.. i have no idea ... maybe its because when i fall... i fall hard.. and well.. this was the hardest of all.. sure you say i was out of his league.. and maybe i was.. but he made me happier than anyone in the entire world.. when things were good... it was like walking on fucking clouds.. and you know what.. i would do anything to go back to that. anything. all this bullshit pretending that im fine.. well newsflash. im not. im not fine. i will never BE fine. because i wanted to marry the guy. yes its true. i wanted to be mrs. sara emde. and im not ashamed. at all. now how am i supposed to find another person to love me.. when the person i gave my whole heart to.. doesn't even want me? i ask you that. thats my fucking 64 million dollar question.