Love It

Omg this is the funniest thing I've ever read, it was an email but I/Michelle decided that I should blog it instead... Leave me your sentences!!! Pick the month you were born: January----I kicked February---I loved March------I smoked April-------I dry humped May--------I choked on June--------I murdered July---------I did the Macarena with August------I had lunch with September--I danced with October-----I sang to November--I yelled at December---I ran over Pick the day (number) you were born on: 1-------a birdbath 2-------a monster 3-------a phone 4-------a fork 5-------a Mexican 6-------a gangster 7-------my cell phone 8-------my dog 9-------my best friends' boyfriend 10------my neighbor 11------my science teacher 12------a banana 13------a fireman 14------a stuffed animal 15------a goat 16------a pickle 19------your mom 18------a spoon 19------myself 20------a baseball bat 21------a ninja 22------Chuck Norris 23------a noodle 24------a squirrel 25------a football player 26------my sister 27------my brother 28------an ipod 29------a permanent m arker 30------a llama 31------A homeless guy Pick the color of shirt you are wearing: White-------because I'm cool like that Black--------because that's how I roll Pink---------because I'm NOT a homosexual. Red---------because the voices told me to. Blue---------because I'm sexy and I do what I want Green-------because I hate myself Purple-------because I'm cool Gray---------because I was drunk Yellow-------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars Orange ------because I hate my family Brown-------because I was high Other-------because I'm a ninja None--------because I can't control myself

I Learned To Love

"You're not going to remind him why he loves you by staying away.

Nothing worth it is ever easy."

Two simple phrases, make you wonder don't they? "Have I tried as hard as I could?" And yet, it doesn't work that way.. You can't make someone love you, you can't force yourself on someone. It only produces resentment. So why exactly does it come down to the two simple phrases time after time?

It's either they love you or they don't, so why do we hope? Once it's done you should believe them right? Wrong. The hope, no matter how minute in size, is still there. Always, just waiting for its opportunity to poke up its head. And with it, it brings the discontent. The doubts, the "what if"s. My God do I hate the "what if"s. You always know what to do when you look back, "Man I should have said THAT" or "If only I wouldn't have...", you know them. The thoughts in the back of your mind, that seem to penetrate your very soul. Ah, if we only had the power to turn back time. Life would be simpler, or would it?

If you could change things, would you? Or do you think that we are better off with the choices we have made, and the consequences for them. I believe everything is a learning experience, but what I have learned from this one I'm not quite sure of yet. I'm sure it will expose itself in time.

So, am I going to try? Am I going to give it my one last shot? No, I'm not, because someone once told me that everyone has a purpose in your life, you learn from everyone. No matter how small of a part they play in the grand scheme of things, you won't always notice it, but you will learn.

With you I learned how to love.

later days...

Somethin' About Christmas Time..

WARNING! - I highly suggest that a certain Grinch/Scrooge should not read this post, for it is filled with Christmas Spirit. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

"There's something about Christmas time, makes you wish it was Christmas everyday.." Ah yes, there IS something about Christmas time. The build-up, the carols, MAN! I love it. All of it. There is nothing like being forced to go shopping, to lighten the mood. Just when the year is at it's worst... BAM! Christmas shows up and you are bombarded with family, friends, presents, eggnog and turkey.

Hot damn. Turkey is killer, no serious. It kills.. Ever heard of 'turkey farts'? No? Okay my Dad like coined the phrase. My god, that man, I swear. Rank. But I love Christmas anyway.. Also, when thinking of turkey and all the good food that you will be partaking in on this Merry Little Holiday, remember that there are people who can't. People who don't have enough food, so drop off a little something to the Food Bank one day. Guaranteed that will make you feel amazing.

Hum your favorite Christmas carol one day, heck, I do it everyday! Actually, on Sunday, when I was playing basketball I started singing when I was throwing in the ball. I did it without even realizing.. Haha it was priceless.. The look the ref gave me.. AWESOME!

Hmmm I'm rambling.. I just realized that, so I'm going to go to bed..

Merry Christmas-Time Everyone!

Love you all

later days..

Girl Who Eats Her Feelings

It's official.. I've become a 'girl who eats her feelings.' I ate an entire boston cream cake while watching 'First Daughter' and bawling like a child. God. Why is this stupid thing so hard... I'm going to gain so much weight. I just enjoy being miserable I think. Some things that made me cry during the movie... "If things were different, I would still follow you around all the time, not because I had to, because I wanted to." "At the end of the day, the Prince always is and always will be.. just a Prince." "I loved who I got to be with him, even though I didn't do anything amazing, for me it was. I felt like I knew myself for the first time, Love? That too." Oh hopeless romance, I miss it. Honestly, girls, if you want a good cry, watch that movie.

All I Want For Christmas Is You

Ah yes, the holidays are fast approaching, and there are hints in the air. No wait, those are the copious amounts of Christmas carols being blasted through the radio, mall hallways, grocery stores, you name it. But before I label myself as a “Grinch” I will take the time to say that I really do enjoy this time of year. Today especially. Today wasn’t really anything special, I mean, I got to sleep in because I didn’t have my Sociology class today (or until January 2007 baby!), I handed in my Shakespeare essay that was due, and went shopping with my Mom, then later on with Gerrit. It was just a regular day, but somewhere in there I was filled with Christmas spirit. It’s the season for giving team, and I say that we all do something Christmassy and spectacular. A one night Christmas extravaganza! “Faithful friends, who are dear to us, gather near to us, once more!” We should reserve one night, for all of us, and just watch old Christmas movies, go sledding, drink hot Chocolate and spend an evening in front of a fireplace. We are getting older now and its okay for us to be nerds like that. Well, as the carol says, “All I want for Christmas is you” but I’m still unsure as to who the “you” is. I used to think it was Carter, but now I really don’t know, but I have a feeling that this holiday break is going to be amazing. Everything will fall into place for all of us. Some lessons will be learned, but I know we will survive, together as a group. A united front against anything that crosses us. Jamie, I want you to know that you are in my prayers and those of my family, and I really wish you the greatest Christmas ever. I think we are due for a Christmas miracle, most of all you. And just remember that I care, so please keep me posted, because in my short time of knowing you, Sue has become a good friend to me as well. Your whole family has. Well that’s about all for me in post land, I wish all you guys a Merry Christmas if I don’t see you, but remember, just because we aren’t in school doesn’t mean we can’t hang out together! later days

Hinder - Lips of an Angel

Honey why you calling me so late? It's kinda hard to talk right now. Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay? I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud Well, my girl's in the next room Sometimes I wish she was you I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel It's funny that you're calling me tonight And, yes, I've dreamt of you too And does he know you're talking to me Will it start a fight No I don't think she has a clue Well my girl's in the next room Sometimes I wish she was you I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel Honey why you calling me so late?

Major Breakdown

Well I had my first major breakdown today. I thought I was all over Carter and everything was fine, then I went to send him a text message and something strange happened. It was sent back to me. Apparently he changed his cell number again and for some odd reason, this distressed me. Actually, sent me into hysterics would be a better term. Why? I think I know the reason... Maybe because I'm not over him and pretend like I am so people will leave me alone. When really, all I want is to be held by the person I know that I'm still in love with and whose body I conform perfectly to. That is probably it. I'm still completely in love with him, and I can't get myself to just move on. I still have unfinished business and I honestly can't make myself believe that he doesn't feel for me anymore. I don't know, I'm probably just completely blinded by this naivety, but I don't care. I really, really want him back. More than anything right now. And yet, when in his company, I freeze. Really. I can't do ANYTHING, it's actually ridiculous. It brings me back to the days of Ty Foreman, except this time I actually know what it's like to touch, kiss and love this guy. It's been a long time since I've cried this much. When I see him I really just want to scream "LOVE ME! PLEASE JUST LOVE ME LIKE YOU DID!" But I can't, I won't. I refuse to show him my weakness. Especially since he is getting along just fine. God, his MOM misses me more than he does. ...It hurts.. later days.

Constant Reminders of You

Dear Carter Emde, Now, I know that you may never read this, but that is not the point. I needed to write this to finally get it off of my chest. I want to thank you Carter, for all of the good times that we shared, because now, I've been able to forget the bad. I know the time that we spent together was special for both of us, and though it may not have ended the way that I envisioned, I'm truly glad that it happened. What prompted this rather minute thank you? Well, it seems that of late I have been engulfed in a constant state of recollection. Meaning, I find reminders of you everywhere. You Carter, are constantly on my mind. Why? The reason is quite uncertain but I'm sure in time that it will present itself in it's shining glory to my somewhat resistant mind. This is really of no matter, since I believe that I am finally at peace. Some things were said tonight among three good friends that made me ponder our relationship, or what is left of it. Earlier on in the night I was presented with a rather peculiar question, "Even though there was the bad, do you still love him enough to ever take him back?" I shall always be ready to give you another chance, now, before I caricature my weakness to the world, please let me explain why. You really were a light in my life, not the light mind you, but one of those special people that come into your life that brings joy with them. And even though those around me failed to look through the imperfections, you were perfect to me. I learned from you, and I do believe that this, in turn, has made me a better person. In lack of something better I shall quote Britney Spears, "I'm Stronger, Than Yesterday." Everyday my strength increases, my knowledge, my power, my self confidence. I am becoming the woman that I want to be and I partially have you to thank for it. If it weren't for the many things that we shared, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Before you, I was shrouded in a fog of naivety. Not to infer that I was intellectually inferior in any way, but more inexperienced as were you. We learned from each other, grew together, and finally apart. Those experiences we shared, words whispered into a euphoric haze, those moments of excitement, wonder and learning.. I thank you for all of them, for, without you they would not have been possible. Thank You Carter Emde, my one first true love. For the days that I will always remember and the nights that I will never forget. You can be sure this is ended with love, just as it was started.. And sealed with a tear. Yours Truly, Sara Start later days..

It's Just, A Little Crush.. Right?

"It's just, a little crush. Right?" Well it would seem, that I have a bunch of little crushes lately.. I find that pretty interesting. Watch out world, the old Sara is back in business. For those of you who knew me in elementary school, you will know what I mean. Boys, boys, everywhere.. And you know what? I like it. It's fun to finally be 'back in action' as it were. Few of them are new guys, some are older friends.. But not that old. Crushes can only mean one thing, that I'm finally good with what went on between Carter and myself. And well, crushes are a whole bunch of fun. Blushing when that person comes in the room, late night giggles with girlfriends and even just the feeling of puppy-love induced happiness. I'm feeling it all ladies and gentleman, and it feels good. Some of these crushes are even layovers from when I was dating Carter. I know, I know.. "You had crushes when you were dating?!" And the answer is yes. I had quite a few actually, but I would never act on them, you all know that. Before they were "harmless little work/sports/friend/rowing crushes" and now, well, they could definately blossom into something more than that.. If given the chance to grow, that is. And it doesn't help that he has the most gorgeous smile I have ever seen.. *Swoon* Ahh.. Marvelous.. Just thinking about it makes me all happy and smiley. I like it. I'm finally back to the old Sara, I realize that it took a rather long time and I really appreciating all of you waiting as long as you did. Now.. I must figure out how to get what I want.. later days..

Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin

I have, I have you breathing down my neck, breathing down my neck I don't, don't know what you could possibly expect under this condition so I'll wait, I'll wait for the ambulance to come, ambulance to come Pick us up off the floor what did you possibily expect under this condition so Slow down, this nights a perfect shade of Dark blue, dark blue Have you ever been alone in a crowded room while I'm here with you I said the world could be burning and burning down Dark blue, dark blue Have you ever been alone in a crowded room while I'm here with you I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue Just dark blue And this flood, this flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground Beneath, my feet. Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so I'll swim, I'll swim as the water rises up sun is sinking down and now All I can see are the planets in a row suggesting it's best that I Slow down this nights a perfect shade of Dark blue, dark blue Have you ever been alone in a crowded room while I'm here with you I said the world could be burning and burning down Dark blue, dark blue Have you ever been alone in a crowded room while I'm here with you I said the world could be burning dark blue We were boxing, we were boxing the stars We were boxing (we were boxing) you were swinging for Mars And then the water reached the west coast And took the power lines, the power lines And it was me and you and the whole town underwater There was nothing we could do It was dark blue Dark blue, dark blue Have you ever been alone in a crowded room while I'm here with you I said the world could be burning and burning down Dark blue (dark blue...) Have you ever been alone in a crowded room while I'm here with you I said the world could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue If you've ever been alone you'll know dark blue If you've ever been alone you'll know, you'll know later days..

Beauty School Drop Out

So it's pretty much final, I'm dropping out of school.. All I really have to do is talk to my dad about it.... Yikes.. later days..

Numb Me

Numb me, I don't want to feel anything anymore. Life is spinning out of control, who is going stop it? Numb me, please, I don't know what to do.. I cry out for help.. Who's there? I'm scared.. Numb me from the pain, the uncertainty.. These tears wash down my face, strip away what once was. Please God, numb me. Confused, so confused. What's next? Where do I turn? Do I remember the last time I was truly happy? What is this all going to come down to? Happiness, what is it? How can I find what I used to have? This unfeeling shell, a carcass of my former self. Who am I? Certainly not who I once was. Who is this girl? I look in the mirror and I hate who I see. Is this normal? What is happening to me? The pain, the heartbreak.. Please, just numb me. Reclusive, the fear of solitude, yet I pull back from the world.. Why? Is it only when you have lost everything when you gain the knowledge of what you need? I'm scared. How do I change this? I need to be unconscious, to not be able to feel. I need to be numb. Fill up my days with frivolous pastimes so the uncertainty can't creep back in.. Why? Am I not strong enough to handle it? Where did the old me go? I'm abandoned by my own personality.. This mask that hides the pain.. This humour.. How long will it last? How long until I crack? Is it my time yet? When will I go? How does anyone even know..

Alex's Hair.

So, we [Jordan, Cat and I] went to Alex's after school today, and I guess he got his hair cut this morning.. LOVE IT by the way! It looks fantastic Alex. You are definately getting laid with that hair cut. And then we jammed in the basement.. it was marvelous. I enjoyed every second of it.. as usual. Thanks for the fun team! later days,

Random People

You know how the most random of people tend to make you feel better about yourself out of the blue? Well that happened tonight, from someone very unexpected... Here is what he told me after he read my last post. "First, love that song, and second, you shouldn’t be so eager for love. Let it find you. It doesn’t like to be looked for, it loves to drop in when you least expect it. You are a wonderful person who deserves the world. You make who' ever around you seem like their life isn’t so miserable because you cheer them up. You are wonderful SARA START and people know this and love will come knocking, just you wait." Thanks sweetie… later days..

Girl's Become Lovers..

I don't know why, but I have been in a rather mellow mood of late. One thing I blame is John Mayer, which in turn leads me to blaming Gerrit. Damn you Gerrit. Ever since that ride home with you and Katherine I can't get John Mayer out of my head. His lyrics hit home for me, and I find it extremely annoying. Another reason for my impending melancholy is my want of physical intimacy. Let's get something straight, that does not mean sex. I miss the nights spent on the couch with someone you care about. Doing nothing, but feeling warm and safe. I yearn for the closeness I once shared with someone I felt connected with. I'm quite fed up with being single now, I've done my time. I'm ready to jump back in the dating game. But, as I am ready, it seems that no one will take the plunge with me. "I know a girl, she puts the colors inside of my world. She's just like a maze, where all of the walls up continually change." It drives me insane when love is flung into the lap of those who do not appreciate it, not that this as anything to do with the lot of you, but I believe you should be informed as to my change of heart. And, I also realize that all of you [for the most part] really disliked Carter, but, I ask you to refrain from commenting on him. As I have already told Jordan, it hurts me more than I can actually express when you tell me all of the horrible things you did/talked about when I was with a person I loved. I realize that I can do better than him, but don't think for one second that I was settling. There was something there that none of you will ever understand, and your comments are unwelcome, so please keep them to yourself. I laughed it off before, but do not think that I will anymore. Now, as I have said, I am on a quest. But, I won't be going out much anymore. I think it's time that I actually tried to get ahold of my life before it reels out of my control. So please forgive me as I become a recluse, but it is necessary. "I've done all I can to stand on the steps with my heart in my hand." later days.

pretty girl

"Pretty Girl" - Sugarcult

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything

Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about

That's what you get for falling again

You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way

That he makes you feel

It's the way

That he kisses you

It's the way

That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and

Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men

And that's what you get for falling again

You can never get 'em out of your head

And that's what you get for falling again

You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the wayThat he makes you feel

It's the way

That he kisses you

It's the way

That he makes you fall in love

It's the way

That he makes you feel

It's the way

That he kisses you

It's the way

That he makes you fall in love

Love

Pretty girl, pretty girl

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything

Pretty soon she'll figure out

You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way

That he makes you cry

It's the way

That he's in your mind

It's the way

That he makes you fall in love

It's the way

That he makes you feel

It's the way

That he kisses you

It's the way

That he makes you fall in love

Love

Some Words of Advice

“[we] are always frightened of the drowned one, where weeping ghost, wet hair hanging and skin bloated, waits silently by the water to pull down a substitute.” (Maxine Hong Kingston) I used to have a friend like this, a ‘drowned one’. They were not drowned literally of course, but more so engulfed in their own self deprecation. This person had the lowest self esteem I have ever encountered, even lower than myself, which is really quite hard. This person seems dead set on dragging everyone else down into the miry cesspool of their life, and if you refuse to join them, they merely shaft you out. They call accuse them of being immature, disloyal and excommunicate you from their life. Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m glad that flagrant violation of friendship has dispersed from my life. I will not miss them, nor will I make any contact with a person so innately childish, that it pains my soul. Someone so insecure with themselves, they get angry when you don’t break standing plans to hang out with them, when you don’t want to anyway! This person seems completely complacent with wrecking everyone else’s life, or at least making them feel like less of a person when they are around. They are a ‘downer,’ they make happy, fun times, depressing and dramatic. And no matter how many times they say that they are ‘never talking to you again’ they always come crawling back, like a cracked out hooker in withdrawal, in need of their last junkie fix.

“In every circle of friends there is a whore, the one who flirts and does a little more”

(Cute Is What We Aim For) You Ridiculous attention whore. You are not content unless everyone feels sorry for you and your self-inflicted pathetic life. Here are some words of wisdom from myself. 1. Get over yourself, you aren’t that important anyway. 2. If you don’t change, you won’t have ANY friends left. 3. No one can stand you. 4. You are the only one making your life hard. You surround your life in a haze of anger and hatred. Get rid of it, you will be happier. 5. Find someone that loves you, that can actually change you back to the person you used to be, one I actually enjoyed being around.

You know who you are. later days

whatever, i'll do what i want.

alex. i don't want randoms posting on my blog. anonymous people can suck my nuts. and since its MY blog. i'll do what i want. deal with it. later days.

All things aside it was a great night.

For me.. last night was great.. with some exceptions. First of all I would like to apologize to everyone about last night, especially Gerrit. But let me make something very clear, I do not believe I have done anything wrong. Some things were misinterpreted, and some people's pride left bruised, but not one single individual is to blame. This my friends, was definately a group effort. For those of you who have known me for a considerable chunk of my life should have realized my obvious jest. As you all know, sex is not something I take lightly. Think about it, it took me 10 months to even have sex with my boyfriend. I don't believe in casual sex, or sex with my good guy friends. WHICH MEANS When I talk about sex with you, I am JOKING. [excluding in depth conversations with Kate, Michelle or any of the other female counterparts]. I figured sex was a safe topic to joke about with my good friends, but apparently not. Apparently god damn well EVERYTHING is taken literally these days. But what really bothers me the most, is the fact that it was actually expected from me. A friend. Without any actual concern for MY feelings on the matter. They were not taken into account at all. So Jordan, Alex and Gerrit, you know what this means; you will never, EVER get anything sexual from me. Anything I say will be a joke, just to clarify. And now that i have made myself perfectly clear, I would like to address Jordan's "stirring the pot." Let's never fucking do it. It's because of that stupid idea that all of this shit happened in the first place. And I'm not just blaming Jordan. All of us do it at some point. So let's stop. This group does not need any more god damn drama. We have enough without turning each other against everyone. And, as for the 'predictions', well someone is leaving though it's not the obvious choice. Since I seem to cause all the problesm, I will take my leave of all of you. That's right. If you're so god damn sick of me I won't come around or talk to you anymore. As instructed by Gerrit, I won't talk to him specifically. Since I fuck up his life something horrible it seems. Well, I'm tired and very sick of all the political bullshit that goes on in this group. Everyone talk behind everyone else's back, and I'm sick of it. I'm very confident that I was a popular topic of conversation whilst I was at the overdrive. We call ourselves friends... the 'lush' squad. Well that all went to hell a long time ago. And for the record, I would never date anyone in this group. I would rather gouge out my ovaries with a splintered wooden spoon. So there you have it, love me or hate me, or just be indifferent towards me. I don't care. I don't have time to deal with everyone else's shit on top of my own. I know it may not seem like it, but I love you guys. later days.

sooo

soo..

tyler..

this guy from the overdrive..

[he's a bouncer and we talk alot]

really cute.

kinda like him..

think i pretty much creeped him out last night.

caaaaaaaaause...

he won't really.. talk to me anymore?

wtf?

what the hell is going on with my life.

no name.

...Is it still me that makes you sweat?

Am I who you think about in bed?

When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your clothes?

Then think of what you did

And how I hope to God she was worth it.

When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch your skin.

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck

Than any girl you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me

Boy I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of

Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?

No, no, no, you know it will always just be me...

I hate you

I hate you because all my friends hate you. I hate you because you can ruin my day without even trying. I hate you because you think you're the shit. I hate you because I gave everything to you and it didn't matter. I hate how you're always in my thoughts. I hate you because now I can't hang out with people I care about. I hate that a little part of me will always be in love with you. I hate that you phone me and act totally cool just to prove that I don't mean anything to you. I hate that you were such a waste of two years of my life. I hate you because you made me scared to give my heart to anyone else. I hate how I haven't cried in a month. I hate how a part of me still hasn't clued in. I hate you for coming along when I think everything is fine. ten things I hate about you... I hate the way you talk to me. And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots. And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick-- it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh -- even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didnt call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you - - not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

more to come?

well.. after the post of last night... [see ohmygodohmygodohmygod] Gabe and I did alot of talking.. on the phone for an hour! haha it was a good talk.. he doesn't reciprocate my feelings for him.. but that's totally cool.. he's already one of my super good friends, and i'm so happy that we can stay friends after my freakyness. haha yeah Gabe is great. he came over tonight as well actually.. we just chilled out.. and ate leftovers. haha which is weirdly something that we just.. do? and man can that boy eat. my god! lol. but i mean.. who wouldn't? my mom's dips are pretty much the most amazing things i've ever tasted. anyway.. on a different note.. i'm sick once again for fucks sake. can i not go through ONE season without getting sick?! i don't think so. i think i have to get sick at least four times a year. god it sucks. im sneezing everywhere.. and I don't even have time to talk about my nose. haha. i hope you all catch it. and once again... i work thursday. so.. looks like the branch is out.. AGAIN! &%$#%%^&&***&^^^^motherfuckingsonofawhore! i miss my cowboys. sniff sniff. i better get un-sick soon. dangit. I BLAME SOCIETY!

ohmygodohmygodohmygod

so.. i told gabe. ... we are going to have coffee soon. .. more details to come.... HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

baha!

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked! Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA) A: Depends on how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA ) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA) A: Only at Thanksgiving. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA) A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first. This is the funniest email I have ever recieved. omg.

strawberry wine..

"my first taste of love, oh, bittersweet.. green on the vine.... like strawberry wine" there's always going to be the one that doesn't work out.. and in light of my recent feelings, [in general terms i miss having a boyfriend, not carter, just having someone you know?] i find that this quote is something that will help me get through everything that has happened. "the hot july moon, saw everything" this summer was one of my best.. in recollection there was quite alot of work, but there was also alot of play. i learned alot about relationships, and about myself. i grew, and finally learned what i want and need.. also what i deserve. this past relationship is something that i will base all further ones on.. i know i shouldn't, but you all know that i will. i'll find someone to love with all my heart that appreciates what i do for them. "we drifted away like the leaves in the fall, year after year i'd come back to this place, just to remember the taste... of strawberry wine" apparently you all knew it was coming, since the breakup was one of Jordan's predictions. and i'm glad you didn't tell me. i needed to learn for myself what was coming. its been.. almost a month now, and i'm finally at peace with myself. i like where i am, [for the most part anyway, with the exception of a certain infatuation which i won't get into] and i'm sure i'll be back to 'normal' eventually. for all of those reading this that don't really understand.. sorry. maybe you weren't meant to. later days.

best commercial ever

How tired i am of this, unbearable distance between us, how i long for the toll of the recess bell. Have you forgotten me? Grown mindless of me? Tell me that i am not writing into an abyss, or that is what will become of my heart. i fucking love that commercial! yay!

that's such a dirty word.

due to my new-found independence, which came mainly from my newly single status.. i have started to wonder about a few things.. and what i came up with was quite interesting. i am in what i like to call 'relationship purgatory' for purgatory i found two definitions [from what microsoft word 2003 would give me] 1. place of suffering in Roman Catholic doctrine, the place in which the souls remain until they have expiated their sins before they go to heaven. well this is all well and good, but i mean.. im not really suffering.. all that much anyway.. maybe just in lack of 'getting some' but thats really not all that important to me anyway.. and 2. miserable situation an extremely uncomfortable, painful, or unpleasant situation or experience. sure, this one hits closer to the mark than somewhere between heaven and hell, granted, it sure is uncomfortable at times... but i think relationship purgatory is more along the lines of this definition from the wonderful book of sara, in which you will also find the meanings of words such as 'a-burn' and 'suckamyjunk' relationship purgatory: the state in which a person is in between relationships. sure you could call it 'single' but that's such a dirty word, i mean.. during my time being 'single' i have rarely been by myself.. which is like a relationship in its own right. so i think, rather than call it 'single' it should from this point forward be known as relationship purgatory. later days.

my time in fantasyland

well, i guess my time in fantasy land just ended.. i saw carter today, we talked, in person and my thoughts of us getting back together were seemingly.. off the mark shall we say. i confessed to him that i thought we should give it another chance, that we owe it to ourselves to at least try it again.. but no such luck. "it's over isn't it" "yeah, i think so" needless to say this isn't the answer i thought i was going to get, but i should have known by the two foot, but seemingly grand canyon like gap between us. the perfection we once had, now shattered.. by what? i guess i'm never going to know, but at least now i know how i will act when i see him. calm, collected. no tears. because i'll be damned if i ever let him see how much his nonchalance affects me. i'll still love him of course, that much is for certain. i think that a little part of me will always be in love with him. but hopefully, i can find someone who can love and care for me the way that i need to be loved and cared for. but now i can slowly climb my way out of my own personal heartbreak.. i am no stranger to heartbreak.. but i am a stranger to the kind that cuts this deep. i guess that i can finally start to let go now, instead of holding on to impossible dreams. i'll still have the memories of course.. those are the best part.. and maybe, sometime in the distant future, i'll be able to wear that ring i loved so much.. the symbol of that fleeting perfection.. ah the first love.. this is one to pack up, and shove deep down into my heart.. and take out on those lonely days.. you know the ones.. where its rainy, and nothing is really going your way.. i can look back and think hey... that was amazing.. and it really was.. right down to the end. this is one to tell the grandchildren about.. when im old and grey i can pull out the ring, the bracelet and the necklace and say.. these were from my first love.. and i can delight them with tales of how amazing and fresh and new it was... how perfectly right it felt.. all the way down to the end.. i just hope that he finally gets back that life in him.. the one that i fell in love with.. the one that he lost somewhere down the line.. i hope that he gets through this with much less pain then i feel.. but then again... to guys its just sex anyway right? later days.

hmmm

well i came on here to write my little brains out.. but then i realized.. i don't really have anything to say.. im pretty confident that i've said it all really. except.. things are changing.. for good or for bad... im not really sure. but things are definately changing.. of course im still obsessive compulsive.. about what, you all know. because clearly i can't stop talking about it. yep. later days.

no sex in the city..

well in my haze of sex and the city addiction, i had a revelation... watching these episodes over and over is.. well, mildly unhealthy.. in using it as an aid to.. well.. clearly my posts are all about him anyway.. i don't really know what im using it as an aid for.. im.. how shall we say.. stuck in a self deprecating.. but loving it slump.. haha.. you know.. i actually kind of like where i am.. i feel like im still dating carter (i know guys.. im pathetic.. just bear with me) but i know im not? lol... im physically unattached.. i suppose.. hmm.. okay now im just rambling really.. but i mean.. i just watched carrie walk out of a changeroom wearing a pink.. lace.. THING. haha my goodness.. im a lost cause guys... go on!!! save yourself!!! im addicted to this damn show.. frick kate.. its all your fault. i blame you why would you give me the entire set. why? frick. kate. okay guys. it's bed time.... after one more episode. ARG!!! i'm living vicariously through a tv show!!! later days..

in regards to saturday night..

well.. the night at jordan's.. was.. interesting.. and im not in the least bit embarassed to say that the best part was the drive home!! .. so.. this is a tribute to saturday night.. the songs that bring us together "Punk Rock 101" She works at hot topic His heart microscopic She thinks that its love but to him its sex He listens to emo but fat mike's his hero His bank account's zero What comes next? Same song different chorus [Chorus:] It's stupid, contagious To be broke and famous Can someone please save us from punk rock 101 My Dickies, your sweat pants My spiked hair, your new Vans Let's throw up our rock hands for punk rock 101 She bought him a skateboard, a rail slide, his knee tore He traded it for drums at the local pawn shop She left him for staring at girls and not caring When she cried because she thought Bon Jovi broke up Same song second chorus [Chorus] Don't forget to dely...on the very last word Seven years later he works as a waiter She married a trucker and he's never there The story never changes, just the names and faces Like Tommy and Gina they're living on a prayer Did you just say that? I said [Chorus x2] It's stupid, contagious (same song different chorus) To be broke and famous (same song different chorus) Can someone please save us from punk rock 101 My Dickies, your rock hands My spiked hair, your new Vans Let's shoplift some sweatbands for punk rock 101 "Flavor of the Week" She paints her nails and she don't know He's got her best friend on the phone She'll wash her hair, His dirty clothes are all he gives to her And he's got posters on the wall Of all the girls he wished she was And he means everything to her Chorus: Her boyfriend, he don't know Anything about her He's too stoned, Nintendo I wish that I could make her see She's just the flavour of the week It's friday night and she's all alone He's a million miles away She's dressed to kill But the TV's on He's connected to the sound And he's got pictures on the wall Of all the girls he's loved before And she knows all his favourite songs Repeat Chorus Her boyfriend, he don't know Anything about her He's too stoned, he's too stoned He's too stoned, he's too stoned Repeat Chorus Yeah she's the flavour of the week But she makes me weak sitting in the back of michelle's car.. singing those songs with her, jess and alex it made me think.. what am i waiting for? why be so depressed with all these great people around me? of course by now you all have realized that im alluding to carter and i.. but when am i not? im so hung up on this thing.. that it was like i couldn't have fun.. but then something miraculous happened... carter and i started texting each other.. well.. the lines of communication are open.. and you know what.. i know now that everything is going to be okay. no matter what happens.. we get back together.. we don't.. everything will be fine. ...eventually. later days

in regards to saturday night..

well.. the night at jordan's.. was.. interesting.. and im not in the least bit embarassed to say that the best part was the drive home!! .. so.. this is a tribute to saturday night.. the songs that bring us together "Punk Rock 101" She works at hot topic His heart microscopic She thinks that its love but to him its sex He listens to emo but fat mike's his hero His bank account's zero What comes next? Same song different chorus [Chorus:] It's stupid, contagious To be broke and famous Can someone please save us from punk rock 101 My Dickies, your sweat pants My spiked hair, your new Vans Let's throw up our rock hands for punk rock 101 She bought him a skateboard, a rail slide, his knee tore He traded it for drums at the local pawn shop She left him for staring at girls and not caring When she cried because she thought Bon Jovi broke up Same song second chorus [Chorus] Don't forget to dely...on the very last word Seven years later he works as a waiter She married a trucker and he's never there The story never changes, just the names and faces Like Tommy and Gina they're living on a prayer Did you just say that? I said [Chorus x2] It's stupid, contagious (same song different chorus) To be broke and famous (same song different chorus) Can someone please save us from punk rock 101 My Dickies, your rock hands My spiked hair, your new Vans Let's shoplift some sweatbands for punk rock 101 "Flavor of the Week" She paints her nails and she don't know He's got her best friend on the phone She'll wash her hair, His dirty clothes are all he gives to her And he's got posters on the wall Of all the girls he wished she was And he means everything to her Chorus: Her boyfriend, he don't know Anything about her He's too stoned, Nintendo I wish that I could make her see She's just the flavour of the week It's friday night and she's all alone He's a million miles away She's dressed to kill But the TV's on He's connected to the sound And he's got pictures on the wall Of all the girls he's loved before And she knows all his favourite songs Repeat Chorus Her boyfriend, he don't know Anything about her He's too stoned, he's too stoned He's too stoned, he's too stoned Repeat Chorus Yeah she's the flavour of the week But she makes me weak sitting in the back of michelle's car.. singing those songs with her, jess and alex it made me think.. what am i waiting for? why be so depressed with all these great people around me? of course by now you all have realized that im alluding to carter and i.. but when am i not? im so hung up on this thing.. that it was like i couldn't have fun.. but then something miraculous happened... carter and i started texting each other.. well.. the lines of communication are open.. and you know what.. i know now that everything is going to be okay. no matter what happens.. we get back together.. we don't.. everything will be fine. ...eventually. later days

well. drinking doesn't help.

well this is interesting.. im obsessed with a guy who doesn't fucking want me.. and you know what.. im not ashamed to admit that i would do anything to get him back. anything.. but that doesn't matter.. while hes off doing whatever he does.. im stuck in a rut.. which makes me think.. how long was this going on? at the lake while i thought we were having a great time togehter? or before that?! who really knows right.. who really does all i know is that people keep telling me that hes not worth it and all that shit. but deep down inside.. i know i'll never love another person like i did carter emde. seriously.. it doesn't matter what happens. he will always be my first.. and will always have that special place in my heart. hell.. i thought it was marriage for sure. but apparently im not only blind but naive as well.. but hey. what are you going to do right? nothing. you can't do shit about it. and people will try to console me, and try to help me get over it.. but the truth is.. i don't want to get over it.. as shitty as it may have seemed.. i want it all back.. that thats the fucking truth. but it kills me to know that he doesn't give a shit. and probably never really did.. he said what he needed to get what he wanted from me. because he knew that i would be blinded by my love for him and do anything he asked for. but nothing was good enough. nothing at all.. i could have busted my ass harder than everyone in the world and i would have gotten the same response.. "oh.. its okay" so why, you wonder, is sara sitting here ranting about all this? the truth.. i have no idea ... maybe its because when i fall... i fall hard.. and well.. this was the hardest of all.. sure you say i was out of his league.. and maybe i was.. but he made me happier than anyone in the entire world.. when things were good... it was like walking on fucking clouds.. and you know what.. i would do anything to go back to that. anything. all this bullshit pretending that im fine.. well newsflash. im not. im not fine. i will never BE fine. because i wanted to marry the guy. yes its true. i wanted to be mrs. sara emde. and im not ashamed. at all. now how am i supposed to find another person to love me.. when the person i gave my whole heart to.. doesn't even want me? i ask you that. thats my fucking 64 million dollar question.

fuck.

fuck do i ever hate being alone. you can do so much better than him. better off without him. you don't need a guy for you to be strong. i hate this. i was happier shrouded in ignorance. i'll try to be strong.. but i know in the end i'll take him back because i love him too much still.

sex and the city

well here i am.. on a wednesday afternoon that i don't work... unshowered and.. watching sex and the city.. it all started yesterday... i was feeling lonely (as per the carter-me thing which is all good now by the way) and called up kate for some much needed girl time.. soo... whats the better girl time than all six seasons of sex and the city? since she had watched the first two and a half.. we started on the third... watched a few of those then carter called (which is why its good now) and kate decided to book'er outta here and leave me with the first season to watch today!!! which you know.. is a great thing cause i didn't really have anything to do today except for pack for sylvan (leaving tomorrow), figure out which textbooks i need (587.00 worth. yikes) and look after mitchell. (who fucked off at like 10 am... wtf?) okay okay way off topic.. but i've made my choice as per my favorite character.. its Charlotte.. hands down. she is so funny... "i'll bet you have a beautiful cunt" "i think i broke my vagina" "i really don't like oral sex" lmao.. that woman is awesome!! soooo funny!!! anyway... laundry calls.. so i'll keep you updated later!!! later days!

Better Things To Do

"Better Things To Do" Don't tell me the reason that you're calling Is to see if I'm all right since you've been gone' Cause I know you and I know why we're talking You're wanting me to say I'm barely hanging on Well, maybe that was true for a night or two But now, I got better things to do [Chorus:] I could wash my car in the rain Change my new guitar strings Mow the yard just the same as I did yesterday I don't need to waste my time crying over you I got better things to do Maybe when I don't have so much going Or quite so many irons in the fire I'll take the time to miss you like you're hoping But now, I can't put forth the effort it requires Well, I'd love to talk to you, but then, I'd miss Donahue That's right, I got better things to do [Repeat Chorus] Check the air in my tires Straighten my stereo wires Count the stars in the sky or just get on with my life I don't need to waste my time crying over you I got better things to doI got better things to do

well well...

so its been awhile since i posted... umm.. like four months actually, so thats pretty grand.. sooo i'll outline my summer in a nutshell... july 3rd.. my birthday... which was really great! drank from ten in the morning until 3am the next day.. haha.. spent it with my best friends in the world.. extremely drunk... kate got alcohol poisoning... hahaha that was a great day.. all of july was me working at tim horton's and safeway.. there were basically no days off.. but we went to the longbranch alot! lol which was a great time! we met Gabe.. who is one of the best country dancers i've met in a long time!! always look forward to dancin with him! and the hottie cowboy! *wink wink* in august.. i had alot more days off so there were a few days at the lake.. carter came up for awhile with me... and kate came up on august long.. which was great.. we learnt how to play mau! haha. such a fun game.. omg.. "here's a penalty card for not standing up and re-arranging your pants" lol and well.. i quit at tims... and now its just safeway for me... yep... this thursday michelle.. kate and myself are driving up to sylvan to visit raegan!! woot woot it should be a grand old time! soooo thats basically my summer... haha it's been great.. later days!

okay clearly everyone is waiting for me to make another post.. so i'll make one.. i am a new and improved timmy's ho.. yep thats right.. i now... work at tim horton's with what seems like everyone else in the damn world. gosh. and its bloody crazy there.. i mean it. i work there every weekday from either 7am-3pm or 8am-4pm [depending on whether or not i have rowing at 6 in the morning or not] but thats a whole 'nother story. i never really appreciated the people at tim hortons before but i have a whole shit load of respect for them now.. its.. how shall i say.. INSANE there during the day.. like nuts. worse than safeway on christmas.. [mind you i am still working there on weekends.. do not fret little ones] and i am starting to get to know some of the regulars there.. which is actually pretty cool. and the people are awesome.. what a great bunch.. even monica.. haha or 'moronica' as kate likes to call her.. im not that good at my job yet.. but i manage.. slowly learning so i can rock the show! haha and today was the first payday from there.. it was AWESOME! haha i love money its grandular.. and it was payday at safeway.. SWEET! two in one is definately amazing.. i just don't know if im going to be able to save it.. ah.. we shall see i guess.. since i definately need this money for the dominican next year.. which is going to be amazing with my two best friends by my side. ah yes.. life right now is tiring but good... and my chinese food is here.. and im going shopping with kate in a bit [hence that whole saving money thing.. haha] well later days

no comment

as to this Da Vinci Code issue, i have no comment. besides the fact that i'm very tired.. it's 1 am.. and i work at 7am. marvelous.. good thing i had a four hour nap after work or somebody was going to die. later days.

song thinger..

Choose a band/artist: Backstreet Boys.. [oh yeah. i went there.] Answer the following questions ONLY using titles of their songs. 1. Are you male or female: Thats What She Said 2. Describe yourself: I'll Never Break Your Heart 3. How do you feel about yourself: Like A Child 4. How do some people feel about you: I Wanna Be With You [don't lie you know you do] 5. Describe your ex gf/bf: Boys Will Be Boys 6. Describe current gf/bf: If I Don't Have You 7. Describe where you want to be: Set Adrift On Memory Bliss 8. Describe how you live: 10,000 Promises 9. What would you ask for if you had just one wish: Hey, Mr. DJ (Keep Playin' This Song) 10. Share a few words of Wisdom: If You Want To Be A Good Girl (Get Yourself A Bad Boy) 11. Now say goodbye: Roll With It

because i'm broken...

Broken I wanted you to know That I love the way you laugh I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away I keep your photograph And I know it serves me well I wanna hold you high and steal your pain Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away You've gone away You don't feel me here anymore The worst is over now And we can breathe again I wanna hold you high and steal my pain away There's so much left to learn And no one left to fight I wanna hold you high and steal your pain Cause I'm broken when I'm open And I don't feel like I am strong enough Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away Cause Im broken when I'm open And I don't feel like I am strong enough Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone You're gone away You don't feel me here anymore

broken

so it was a wonderfully warm morning on wednesday... when i went to put on my socks... and threw out my back.. now.. i know what you are all thinking.. "how the hell do you throw out your back putting on socks.. " and honestly? i have no freaking clue.. haha i am obviously in horrible shape.. and i really intend to change that.. because spending two days on the floor of my living room is not my idea of a good time.. on another note i am almost as good as new! two trips to the chiropractor later.. my back is in much better shape! hmmm now.. michelle, kate and i were throwing the idea of going to the dominican for a week or so next may or whatever.. girls.. the time has come to start getting our shit together. because we are doing this. its going to be the time of our life i'm pretty sure. and i am super excited! we will be even worse than kayla and michelle in hawaii! haha we need a day to start planning and whatnot if we are going to make this a reality!

Directions:Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. No cheating! How am I feeling today? She Will Be Loved (Maroon 5) Will I get far in life? Harder To Breathe (Maroon 5) How do my friends see me? Stairway To Heaven (Led Zepplin) When will I get Married? Failure to Excommunicate (Relient K) What's my best friend's theme song? Superman's Dead (Our Lady Peace) What is the story of my life? Seven Minutes in Heaven (Fall Out Boy) What is/was highschool like? American Idiot (Green Day) How can I get ahead in life? Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day) What is the best thing about me? I Like That (Stop) (Jae Millz) How is today going to be? Why Don't You and I (Santana) What is in store for this weekend? Straight Jacket Feeling (All American Rejects) What song describes my parents? Better Now (Collective Soul) What song descirbes my grandparents? The Boys are Back In town (Everclear) How is my life going? How the River Flows (Everclear) What song will they play at my funeral? We're Making Up (Hot Apple Pie) How does the world see me? Sweetest Sin (Jessica Simpson) Will I have a happy life? Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Big Crowby & Frank Sinatra) What song describes my relationships with my friends? SOS (Rhianna) What song describes my romantic status? Calm Before the Storm (Fall Out Boy)

drama... and trauma?

well lately i've been a complete bitch. pretty much.. it's been my way or the highway. been fighting with.. basically everyone thats been put in front of me.. which can only mean one thing.. watch out world.. my mensus is coming.. and coming fast. so besides this crazy bitch fest there are some other things to report... juan came into town.. which was super fun actually.. hes a greatly hilarious guy. "my dildo ran out of batteries" haha omg that was the greatest night thanks to all the participants. michelle for the use of her car.. will for being just straight retarded.. and being afraid of heights.. that was hilarious. juan for coming and getting batteries for the dildo.. that was much appreciated. lmao. and myself for.. showing the previous three where to climb schools? and maybe for hoisting michelle up river heights by her ass. haha been working a whole shitload.. and will be working 20 hours at the man show this weekend.. i suggest that everyone come and visit me in all my hotness.. lol had a mere spat with carter. but thats because im moody and a spaz. but we all know that by now. maybe its from the lack of sex. ha. a-burn on myself. hm hm hmm... well thats about it i think dears.. later days.

modelling?

so last night.. i was on my computer just sitting around.. when i get this email from zorpia [kind of like nexopia] from this chick who is apparently a model.. and she was saying how her company would love to have me come down to niagra to model for them.. umm.. wtf? first of all... its me.. and thats just kind of weird. second of all.. niagra falls? third of all.. i haven't even HEARD of this modelling agency she talks about.. soooo pretty much a plan to lure and rape people i think... here is the conversation.... [destiny = me] .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: ummm hi samantha says: hi ... samantha says: wassup .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: haha nothing getting ready for bed.. .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: i actually feel really weird about adding you.. not really sure why i did samantha says: wanted to chat with me, you were curious, natural .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: lol yeah i guess .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: so you are a model? samantha says: yes, we are an agency in denmark samantha says: we show cars, gadgets, computers at fairs .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: oh i gotcha samantha says: i thought you were looking great in your pics, you have young cheeks, your eyes are great, distinctive eyes set your face apart from the norm. our film department is going with some new teams of people for north america magazines .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: i see .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: lol well i don't really think im cut out to model stuff .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: lol im just a regular girl samantha says: you are a regular girl, but that sells, you have the charm of next door susie making cupcakes .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: haha well thanks i guess .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: thats weird.. susie is my nickname.. .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: lol samantha says: who streaked your locks .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: oooh my hairdresser .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: shes great samantha says: buzz, she did a good job, you look fabulous [okay.. buzz? who the fuck says buzz.. i ask you that] .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: thank you .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: im going to her really soon to get it re-done samantha says: oh good, well, i am not trying to make you selfconscious, do not be shy because i am looking at you, you have impressed me already, be yourself .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: well thanks i guess .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: so you live in canada? samantha says: yes, in canada, at a municipal bird sanctuary, we have some offices .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: bird sanctuary? .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: where abouts is it? samantha says: niagara falls .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: oh sweet .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: my aunt and uncle live near there samantha says: there's no nicer place to live than here! .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: i actually really like it in saskatchewan .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: nice wide open spaces samantha says: what a pretty description of saskatchewan .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: yeah its awesome here .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: lol so how did you get involved with this modelling? .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: im just super curious because my friends always bug me about becoming a model and i thought they were just messing with me samantha says: no one is messing with you. your friends are right. come to niagara falls. we will meet you right off the bus and give you accomodations. we will pay you twelve hundred dollars and we will pay for your return fare home okay.. wow.. like what the hell is she talking about.. i mean.. 1200$ bucks? hello.. im down.. now if it only wasn't a scam... .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: ahh i don't think that my parents would let me go really.. and i have a job and whatnot that i can't really get away from samantha says: you have commitments and respecting your parents is an important one. what kind of job do you have .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: i work at a safeway here in saskatoon full time. .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: and you know.. friends and boyfriend .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: i would never go by myself ever. .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: whats the name of this agency? samantha says: jillbeth [aaaaaaaaaaaand i researched it.. couldn't find SHIT on this thing.. lies. all lies.] .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: oh nice samantha says: we are putting people in the united states and canada, for film and magazines .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: thats really cool samantha says: you are one fly chick, i saw your profile pics and they blew my top. how do compliments make you feel? .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: umm bewildered .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: lol samantha says: you are so real and sweet, you are open, you genuine, you have a great warm heart .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: well thanks .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: and you can say that without even actually knowing me? samantha says: not body language or environment, i have taken your zorpia at face value .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: thats fair samantha says: you did a good job, that is all, this is just girl talk .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: true enough .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: so how old are you samantha says: 18 samantha says: been modelling since age seven samantha says: first with some girls in new york .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: oh i see.. haha you don't really talk like an 18 year old samantha says: an english teacher taught me to talk, he couldn't teach me to model .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: so where did you grow up then samantha says: buffalo .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: well you are a bit of a way from home then aren't you samantha says: yeah, i go on msn with my family every night letting them know everybody is going great .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: well thats good then samantha says: they are supersupportive of me .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: thats good .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: i could never do that samantha says: i am sure your parents love you to pieces .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: lol yeah .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: i couldn't be away from them for a long time samantha says: if you made an excuse, when you were gone, you would not be missed, you would get away with it okay crazy chick.. why don't you just say.. "i have a plan to rape and kill you.. but don't tell your parents." .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: i don't need to get away with anything .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: jeopardizing the trust that i have with my parents, friends and boyfriend is something that i wont do when it took so long to gain samantha says: there's no such trust without long hard earning .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: yep .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: and it can be broken way to easily samantha says: ok, the next hour is here, when do you want to go to bed? .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: well i still have to wash my face .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: so soon most likely .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: i guess i'll have to talk to you tomorrow or some other time samantha says: good night .°`ďәstïńy`°. [.*.Carter.*.] -confusion?- says: good night soooooo i'm pretty sure this chica wants to like.. rape me.. yep.. pretty sure.. later days.

bad things come in threes..

sooo... this week has been.. interesting so far.. first bad thing.. last saturday... carter's mom found out we are having sex. that was fun.. welcome to my living nightmare. second bad thing.. i failed biology. um.. fuck? i studied for like a week straight.. so uh.. i guess i just suck then. third bad thing.. i'm sick. and its a weird sick.. like... "ow my stomach hurts and i want to puke! but puking doesn't help cause my immune system sucks!" grar.. but there was one good thing.. we got a new kitty.. his name is mojo [mitchell's idea] hes orange.. and amazingly cute.. but a devil. haha.. later days.

when a stranger calls..

sooo.. went to see 'when a stranger calls' with jamie, jordan, andrew, alex, gerrit and jared last night.. NOT SCARY! laughable actually.. quite laughable.. the only thing that actually made me jump was the effing cat.. and the birds.. like c'mon. the only thing that scared me was animals? jeepers.. "who ARE you?" hahaha.. jeez.. that man was ugly.. ugly ugly man... and after that we went and played under the Circle Drive Bridge! which was quite fun.. haha.. touching pillars.. crazy goofs. but fun.. and.. hard work.. man was i ever dying.. i definately need to work on my cardio!! jeeprs.... then... uh.. TIMMY HOS! haha with the gang.. joined by jackie and hillary! haha which was a good time.. then jamie phoned dusty who was drunk.. and we [jamie and i] went to visit dusty at some house where he was getting drunk.. he is a very affectionate drunk.. lol but very funny.. especailly at imitating people :D bahahahah all and all it was a pretty good night!!! lol until this morning when i went to the university AGAIN!! and guess what.. cameron wasn't there.. im going to fucking maim him. seriously. i am so pissed off about that.. but its off to work! later days!

mmmmmmmmbleeeeh.

english exam was today! i was done in an hour and a half.. and waited another hour for becca.. lol what a waste of my life!! but not really.. because i love her. haha.. woooo three days until carter comes home! im excited. so eff you all. i can be excited if i want! hrm hrm hrm.. more randomness... im having a bio study blitz with kyle all day and night on monday.. its going to be rank.. cause i have to pick carter up from the airport tuesday.. lol i'm sure going to look like hell. but he doesn't care. lol he loves me anyway.. blarg blarg blarg! what to do tonight.. hrm hrm.. go to a movie? i don't want to be out too late cause i have to get up early to get my movie from my friggen history tutorial leader! since he wasn't fucking there today!! oh man.. so pissed is what i am! god! but w/e i'm over it.. just as long as he is there tomorrow.. or i'll stab him i'm pretty sure! damn. haha oh well it happens! and tomorrow i have to work as well.. 1-6 at grand old safeway.. what a drag. then study.. yes yes.. studying will be good i think!.. hopefully.. because i NEED to pass this exam.. holy eff do i ever.. just to pass the class haha.. shit. blarg... so full of random energy tonight hyper hyper.. i think michelle is going to phone me after work.. but thats at like 12.. eff that i don't want to go out at 12.. try come home because i have to be up early. yes.. thats right. hrm hrm hrm.. okay i'm officially bored.. i'm going to find something to do.. later days.

okaaaaay

well yesterday after my nap, and the whole thinking it was carter phoning thing.. i was super disappointed... right? of course i was.. well that sucked.. but later in the day i got an email from him saying that he would phone me at 10:45pm our time.. after i got off of work.. which was.. 6:45pm his time. this was what i based my night around.. since Will asked if i wanted to hang with him i said i couldn't since Carter was going to phone.. he understood. and michelle phoned to see if i wanted to do something.. i also told her that carter was phoning me at 10:45, but i would phone her after.. well i sat in my bed with the phone reading my new cosmo [so good by the way.. god. amazing] and 10:45 rolled by... and so did 11:15... and 12:00... and 1:00... and 1:30... soo... three hours later i finally came to terms with he wasn't going to phone.. and i thought that my napping fiasco was disappointing.. this.. this was much worse.. try.. heartbroken? now.. as you can all tell, i'm a very emotional person.. this.. does not work very well for me.. not being called.. and i can't say as though im in the best mood today i still love him, but there is no way i'm ever going to wait for him to phone me again. eff. that. i could have been out having fun instead of sitting at home miserable.

bio sucks

I've decided that I hate studying.. just in general.. but especially for biology.. arrrrg... *shakes fist* I tried to study today.. but i got distracted so many times.. bleech. it was basically a waste. so after while I had a nap.. and who did I dream about.. carter. obviously. and when my cell phone alarm rang to wake me up who did I think was calling to do something.. carter. obviously. effffff that.. im not sleeping anymore.

heartwrenching phonecall...

you know when you miss someone.. and you can deal with it because if you haven't actually talked to them you can sort of be in denial about them being gone? well.. thats what i was doing with carter's absence. since i hadn't really talked to him on the phone i could sort of pretend that if i called him up, that he would come over and it would be like he wasn't actually gone.. well tonight that all went to hell.. because he phoned me and we talked for about an hour in total... and nearing the end of the conversation i was a complete mess.. i'll tell you.. there has been way too much crying in the past five days for anyone! we caught up on things that we have been doing.. me: going to the bar, climbing schools, working, studying, playing pool.. him: anything and everything you can do in hawaii.. snorkel, see sunken ships [pearl harbour], parasail, get a sunburn.. haha pretty much everything.. and after this talk its like this huge twinge in my body.. i miss him so much more.. i swear if i could have stayed on that phone all night i would have.. no question.. i want him home so badly it physically hurts me inside now. i mean sure, its only been six days.. but seriously think about it.. carter and i never go a day without seeing each other.. and i still have to go another six after today.. that is painful. i like to pretend that he is still in the city.. but after tonight its going to be really hard.. i want the days to pass as quickly as possible.. so next tuesday comes really quick! oh carter, carter.. i miss you. and filling the day with arbitrary things just doesn't cut it after awhile.. i mean.. there are only so many times that you can go to tim hortons.. so many hours of tv you can watch.. and only so many times that you can climb on the same roof. work helps obviously.. because i can be fully concentrated on what im doing.. and this thursday should be good because the mighty ducks night is finally going to happen!! ooooooooooooh yeah.. lol im super pumped about that.. and tonight [up until the phone call] was great! it was kate's birthday, we chilled with an old friend and just sort of dicked around!.. don't get me wrong.. im really glad that he called, estatic really.. but i just miss him that much more now. haha i know this seems to be all i talk about lately guys, and im sorry about that.. its just carters a huge part of my life.. you all know that.. frick you bare witness to it every damn day.. so im sure you understand.. i love you all for being there to 'fill my loneliness' as michelle would put it.. thanks so much guys! and now i just have to prepare myself for another one tomorrow.. haha.. later days.

just so you know

and just so you all know.. in case you were worried.. the carter this worked itself out.. as always.. cause im just a big freak out.. haha.. love ya!

climbing schools!! [part two]

Well tonight i went out climbing schools again.. but this time with michael, jess and raegan.. and we didn't intend to climb them when we set out.. its just sort of what happened is all.. haha... i finally got on river heights.. i was super pumped i'll tell you what.. lol im going to try and put some pictures on here hopefully they work.. they go from the end of the night to the beginning cause thats just the way it worked out i guess...

ultimate low

well yesterday i got an email from carter, in my email to him previously i had told him that i was going to go out with logan foth for a movie that he owes me... [that goes back a long time from like last year.. long story] and in his email.. he said, don't do anything with logan [like sexual] or someone is going to get hurt. and he wasn't joking.. now that to me is a complete lack of trust.. and having my track record with being cheated on, i would never EVER do that to someone.. so i'm feeling pretty shitty right now.. not being trusted by a person that i love is really an ultimate low for me.. . what he said pretty much translates as don't do anything because i think you're a big slut. which is pretty awesome... so i feel like complete shit.. and pretty much just want to crawl in a hole and die.. which is kind of cool you know.. anyway i'm out.. later days.

climbing schools!!

so tonight at about.. 10:20 i get a phone call from Jordan.. and well i was already in bed.. all washed up... in my PJ's.. and reading my book.. for about 20 minutes before he called.. wanting me to come out with him and Andrew.. and damn.. am i ever glad i did.. it was so much fun.. first we went and climbed onto lawson heights elementary school.. which was great.. i threw a huge rock into the playground and whatnot.. really cool i enjoyed it.. then.. oh then.. we decided to go and climb marion graham.. which was much more of a challenge.. haha.. it turns out they have a whole shit load of new cameras around.. so where they usually climbed.. we couldn't get up that way.. at least not this time.. next time.. shaving cream.. haha but on with our story.. near the bike rack there was a perfect place to get up onto the school.. but we needed something to stand on.. so we found one lone thing in the field.. [you know one of those like.. football thingers? that they push really rank and like yeah.. those] and propped it up against the wall.. andrew got up first.. then i went up.. [wearing really tight jeans so my ass crack was like.. waaaaaaay out there.. haha but anyhow.. jordan boosted me up and we went climbing! and holy shit is there ever alot of cool stuff up there.. all the skylights and like.. weird thingers.. yeah its really neat.. including some like.. methane heater that we all stood around.. lol we so smelled like methane.. but anyway.. we were trying to get some like ladder thing.. when some chicks drove by in a car and were like 'holy shit there's people on that school! see them?' and well.. we were fucked.. haha we ran back to where we got up.. and with much trial and tribulation we got down... with lots of ass cracking too i might add.. [never wearing those effing pants again.. haha dang.] after that we went to Tim Hortons and visited Becca who was working.. i got an Iced Cap and a caramel doughnut? i dunno whatever.. and we talked for like 40 minutes about our fears when we were kids and our obsessive compulsiveness.. and as a cameo Mary was at Tim Hortons with a guy named Eric, that we talked to for a little bit.. after that we drove around.. and tried to get onto River Heights.. which they could easily but you had to like shimmy up this pipe thing? and i almost did it.. next time.. grippy shoes.. and stretchy pants.. haha.. all in all it was a pretty great night.. and i plan to do it way more often!! haha later days!

un-virginized

well tonight was an interesting night to say the least.. haha i worked until 9:30.. which was crappy as usual.. but hey.. what you gonna do right? money is money.. anyway.. after work i called michelle like i said i was going to.. it turns out Nick [her cousin and my good friend] is in town for easter [he lives in calgary] and they wanted to go out to the bar and possibly kareokee. well at first i wasn't really up to it because those of you who know my track record of getting into bars.. its not good.. since i couldn't get into the pat i pretty much stopped trying.. but i went anyway.. well.. we went to buds on broadway.. and at the door we [michelle and i] were asked for id.. SOMEHOW me saying yes i have some and then not showing the bouncer it.. got me in.. i have no friggen idea how that worked.. but yes.. it did. lol so nick bought me a porn star and we played pool for a little bit. [we being sean and i] i certainly did not intend on getting drunk tonight [which i didn't by the way.. that porn start was the only thing i had all night]... after we got bored of buds.. we decided to go to Crackers.. to sing some kareokee.. which was hilarious.. i was being the DD for some guy i just met.. and nick was in the back of the truck and falling everywhere.. peeing while i stopped at a stop sign... and then finally peeing on himself.. it was a grand old time.. haha yikes.. well we finally got to Crackers.. which is like.. a friggen.. 30 second walk from my house.. wtf mate.. and it was so easy to get into.. like.. no bouncer.. just walk in and order a drink which i didn't by the way because as we all remember i was being sober.. haha.. it was super fun.. we sang friends in low places.. and its rank close to my house.. what more could you want? .. anyway.. its easter tomorrow.. so happy easter everyone! love you all!!