when a stranger calls..

sooo.. went to see 'when a stranger calls' with jamie, jordan, andrew, alex, gerrit and jared last night.. NOT SCARY! laughable actually.. quite laughable.. the only thing that actually made me jump was the effing cat.. and the birds.. like c'mon. the only thing that scared me was animals? jeepers.. "who ARE you?" hahaha.. jeez.. that man was ugly.. ugly ugly man... and after that we went and played under the Circle Drive Bridge! which was quite fun.. haha.. touching pillars.. crazy goofs. but fun.. and.. hard work.. man was i ever dying.. i definately need to work on my cardio!! jeeprs.... then... uh.. TIMMY HOS! haha with the gang.. joined by jackie and hillary! haha which was a good time.. then jamie phoned dusty who was drunk.. and we [jamie and i] went to visit dusty at some house where he was getting drunk.. he is a very affectionate drunk.. lol but very funny.. especailly at imitating people :D bahahahah all and all it was a pretty good night!!! lol until this morning when i went to the university AGAIN!! and guess what.. cameron wasn't there.. im going to fucking maim him. seriously. i am so pissed off about that.. but its off to work! later days!

mmmmmmmmbleeeeh.

english exam was today! i was done in an hour and a half.. and waited another hour for becca.. lol what a waste of my life!! but not really.. because i love her. haha.. woooo three days until carter comes home! im excited. so eff you all. i can be excited if i want! hrm hrm hrm.. more randomness... im having a bio study blitz with kyle all day and night on monday.. its going to be rank.. cause i have to pick carter up from the airport tuesday.. lol i'm sure going to look like hell. but he doesn't care. lol he loves me anyway.. blarg blarg blarg! what to do tonight.. hrm hrm.. go to a movie? i don't want to be out too late cause i have to get up early to get my movie from my friggen history tutorial leader! since he wasn't fucking there today!! oh man.. so pissed is what i am! god! but w/e i'm over it.. just as long as he is there tomorrow.. or i'll stab him i'm pretty sure! damn. haha oh well it happens! and tomorrow i have to work as well.. 1-6 at grand old safeway.. what a drag. then study.. yes yes.. studying will be good i think!.. hopefully.. because i NEED to pass this exam.. holy eff do i ever.. just to pass the class haha.. shit. blarg... so full of random energy tonight hyper hyper.. i think michelle is going to phone me after work.. but thats at like 12.. eff that i don't want to go out at 12.. try come home because i have to be up early. yes.. thats right. hrm hrm hrm.. okay i'm officially bored.. i'm going to find something to do.. later days.

okaaaaay

well yesterday after my nap, and the whole thinking it was carter phoning thing.. i was super disappointed... right? of course i was.. well that sucked.. but later in the day i got an email from him saying that he would phone me at 10:45pm our time.. after i got off of work.. which was.. 6:45pm his time. this was what i based my night around.. since Will asked if i wanted to hang with him i said i couldn't since Carter was going to phone.. he understood. and michelle phoned to see if i wanted to do something.. i also told her that carter was phoning me at 10:45, but i would phone her after.. well i sat in my bed with the phone reading my new cosmo [so good by the way.. god. amazing] and 10:45 rolled by... and so did 11:15... and 12:00... and 1:00... and 1:30... soo... three hours later i finally came to terms with he wasn't going to phone.. and i thought that my napping fiasco was disappointing.. this.. this was much worse.. try.. heartbroken? now.. as you can all tell, i'm a very emotional person.. this.. does not work very well for me.. not being called.. and i can't say as though im in the best mood today i still love him, but there is no way i'm ever going to wait for him to phone me again. eff. that. i could have been out having fun instead of sitting at home miserable.

bio sucks

I've decided that I hate studying.. just in general.. but especially for biology.. arrrrg... *shakes fist* I tried to study today.. but i got distracted so many times.. bleech. it was basically a waste. so after while I had a nap.. and who did I dream about.. carter. obviously. and when my cell phone alarm rang to wake me up who did I think was calling to do something.. carter. obviously. effffff that.. im not sleeping anymore.

heartwrenching phonecall...

you know when you miss someone.. and you can deal with it because if you haven't actually talked to them you can sort of be in denial about them being gone? well.. thats what i was doing with carter's absence. since i hadn't really talked to him on the phone i could sort of pretend that if i called him up, that he would come over and it would be like he wasn't actually gone.. well tonight that all went to hell.. because he phoned me and we talked for about an hour in total... and nearing the end of the conversation i was a complete mess.. i'll tell you.. there has been way too much crying in the past five days for anyone! we caught up on things that we have been doing.. me: going to the bar, climbing schools, working, studying, playing pool.. him: anything and everything you can do in hawaii.. snorkel, see sunken ships [pearl harbour], parasail, get a sunburn.. haha pretty much everything.. and after this talk its like this huge twinge in my body.. i miss him so much more.. i swear if i could have stayed on that phone all night i would have.. no question.. i want him home so badly it physically hurts me inside now. i mean sure, its only been six days.. but seriously think about it.. carter and i never go a day without seeing each other.. and i still have to go another six after today.. that is painful. i like to pretend that he is still in the city.. but after tonight its going to be really hard.. i want the days to pass as quickly as possible.. so next tuesday comes really quick! oh carter, carter.. i miss you. and filling the day with arbitrary things just doesn't cut it after awhile.. i mean.. there are only so many times that you can go to tim hortons.. so many hours of tv you can watch.. and only so many times that you can climb on the same roof. work helps obviously.. because i can be fully concentrated on what im doing.. and this thursday should be good because the mighty ducks night is finally going to happen!! ooooooooooooh yeah.. lol im super pumped about that.. and tonight [up until the phone call] was great! it was kate's birthday, we chilled with an old friend and just sort of dicked around!.. don't get me wrong.. im really glad that he called, estatic really.. but i just miss him that much more now. haha i know this seems to be all i talk about lately guys, and im sorry about that.. its just carters a huge part of my life.. you all know that.. frick you bare witness to it every damn day.. so im sure you understand.. i love you all for being there to 'fill my loneliness' as michelle would put it.. thanks so much guys! and now i just have to prepare myself for another one tomorrow.. haha.. later days.

just so you know

and just so you all know.. in case you were worried.. the carter this worked itself out.. as always.. cause im just a big freak out.. haha.. love ya!

climbing schools!! [part two]

Well tonight i went out climbing schools again.. but this time with michael, jess and raegan.. and we didn't intend to climb them when we set out.. its just sort of what happened is all.. haha... i finally got on river heights.. i was super pumped i'll tell you what.. lol im going to try and put some pictures on here hopefully they work.. they go from the end of the night to the beginning cause thats just the way it worked out i guess...

ultimate low

well yesterday i got an email from carter, in my email to him previously i had told him that i was going to go out with logan foth for a movie that he owes me... [that goes back a long time from like last year.. long story] and in his email.. he said, don't do anything with logan [like sexual] or someone is going to get hurt. and he wasn't joking.. now that to me is a complete lack of trust.. and having my track record with being cheated on, i would never EVER do that to someone.. so i'm feeling pretty shitty right now.. not being trusted by a person that i love is really an ultimate low for me.. . what he said pretty much translates as don't do anything because i think you're a big slut. which is pretty awesome... so i feel like complete shit.. and pretty much just want to crawl in a hole and die.. which is kind of cool you know.. anyway i'm out.. later days.

climbing schools!!

so tonight at about.. 10:20 i get a phone call from Jordan.. and well i was already in bed.. all washed up... in my PJ's.. and reading my book.. for about 20 minutes before he called.. wanting me to come out with him and Andrew.. and damn.. am i ever glad i did.. it was so much fun.. first we went and climbed onto lawson heights elementary school.. which was great.. i threw a huge rock into the playground and whatnot.. really cool i enjoyed it.. then.. oh then.. we decided to go and climb marion graham.. which was much more of a challenge.. haha.. it turns out they have a whole shit load of new cameras around.. so where they usually climbed.. we couldn't get up that way.. at least not this time.. next time.. shaving cream.. haha but on with our story.. near the bike rack there was a perfect place to get up onto the school.. but we needed something to stand on.. so we found one lone thing in the field.. [you know one of those like.. football thingers? that they push really rank and like yeah.. those] and propped it up against the wall.. andrew got up first.. then i went up.. [wearing really tight jeans so my ass crack was like.. waaaaaaay out there.. haha but anyhow.. jordan boosted me up and we went climbing! and holy shit is there ever alot of cool stuff up there.. all the skylights and like.. weird thingers.. yeah its really neat.. including some like.. methane heater that we all stood around.. lol we so smelled like methane.. but anyway.. we were trying to get some like ladder thing.. when some chicks drove by in a car and were like 'holy shit there's people on that school! see them?' and well.. we were fucked.. haha we ran back to where we got up.. and with much trial and tribulation we got down... with lots of ass cracking too i might add.. [never wearing those effing pants again.. haha dang.] after that we went to Tim Hortons and visited Becca who was working.. i got an Iced Cap and a caramel doughnut? i dunno whatever.. and we talked for like 40 minutes about our fears when we were kids and our obsessive compulsiveness.. and as a cameo Mary was at Tim Hortons with a guy named Eric, that we talked to for a little bit.. after that we drove around.. and tried to get onto River Heights.. which they could easily but you had to like shimmy up this pipe thing? and i almost did it.. next time.. grippy shoes.. and stretchy pants.. haha.. all in all it was a pretty great night.. and i plan to do it way more often!! haha later days!

un-virginized

well tonight was an interesting night to say the least.. haha i worked until 9:30.. which was crappy as usual.. but hey.. what you gonna do right? money is money.. anyway.. after work i called michelle like i said i was going to.. it turns out Nick [her cousin and my good friend] is in town for easter [he lives in calgary] and they wanted to go out to the bar and possibly kareokee. well at first i wasn't really up to it because those of you who know my track record of getting into bars.. its not good.. since i couldn't get into the pat i pretty much stopped trying.. but i went anyway.. well.. we went to buds on broadway.. and at the door we [michelle and i] were asked for id.. SOMEHOW me saying yes i have some and then not showing the bouncer it.. got me in.. i have no friggen idea how that worked.. but yes.. it did. lol so nick bought me a porn star and we played pool for a little bit. [we being sean and i] i certainly did not intend on getting drunk tonight [which i didn't by the way.. that porn start was the only thing i had all night]... after we got bored of buds.. we decided to go to Crackers.. to sing some kareokee.. which was hilarious.. i was being the DD for some guy i just met.. and nick was in the back of the truck and falling everywhere.. peeing while i stopped at a stop sign... and then finally peeing on himself.. it was a grand old time.. haha yikes.. well we finally got to Crackers.. which is like.. a friggen.. 30 second walk from my house.. wtf mate.. and it was so easy to get into.. like.. no bouncer.. just walk in and order a drink which i didn't by the way because as we all remember i was being sober.. haha.. it was super fun.. we sang friends in low places.. and its rank close to my house.. what more could you want? .. anyway.. its easter tomorrow.. so happy easter everyone! love you all!!

hahaha

so in my misery i was reading peoples blogs.. and on jamies.. i found this.. so this is my name broken down... haha S - People think you are sexy, especially your bf/gf A - You always want some action. R - You are a social butterfly. A - You always want some action. J - Everyone loves you. E - You are popular with all types of people A - You always want some action. N - You can be very "FUN" S - People think you are sexy, especially your bf/gf T - You have an attitude, a big one. A - You always want some action. R - You are a social butterfly. T - You have an attitude, a big one. A - You always want some action. B - You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people C - You definitely have a partier side in you D - You have trouble trusting people. E - You are popular with all types of people F - Fake. G - You are very friendly and undestanding H - you have very good personality and looks I - love is something you deeply believe in J - Everyone loves you. K - You like to try new things. L - You are always smiling and making others smile. M - Success comes easily to you. N - You can be very "FUN" O - You love foreplay P - You are very friendly and understanding M - Success comes easily to you. Q - You are a hypocrite. R - You are a social butterfly. S - People think you are sexy, especially your bf/gf T - You have an attitude, a big one. U - you usally r hella tight V - you are not judgemental W - You are very broad minded. X - You never let people tell you what to do. Y - you always make every experience Great

well that sucks..

i found out this morning [after missing a call from carter] that i can't send him text messages anymore.. or call him from saskatchewan... now.. that really blows.. i hope i can figure out a way to stay in touch haha.. dang.

soo..

so.. its 4:11pm right now.. and carter left for hawaii at 2:30.. which is quite depressing.. i miss him already.. how the hell am i going to be able to withstand 12 days.. pretty much cried like a billion times already.. i really don't like being away from him.. hopefully work and studying will be able to keep my mind off of it.. because if not.. its going to be a long 12 days.. so bare with me guys.. i will be a little off for the next little while.. and i really wont be able to help it im afraid.. just the way i get when i'm away from people i love thats all.. .. bleh.. i just want to go to bed.. but i can't since i have to work in 45 minutes.. at least he left me his car to drive.. so if i get lonely then i can drive it around until i don't miss him anymore.. arrg.. i just want him to come back right now... and he's not even in vancouver yet. damnit i'm supposed to be on that plane.

arg!

aarg! so much free time!! wtf am i supposed to do with it all.. because currently all i've been doing is.. eating.. and sleeping.. haha its rank.. this can not be good for my body fat. well my first final was on monday.. it was pretty good! you know.. in and out in under an hour.. thats pretty impressive.. something to crow about.. .. i hope i get about a 65% on it.. cause thats what it feels like.. a 65%'er. yep.. blech.. now my next one is on the 22.. english.. blarg.. lol.. then bio on the 26 im going to shit the bed on that one.. as will likes to say.. haha .. anyway.. its off to work for me!! tah!

blarg blarg blarg

so it would seem that my history final is tomorrow.. oh well. i've studied.. sort of.. haha! actually its really not that bad.. but i have a basketball final today at 3! woo hoo!! go vibe raiders! haha oh yeah thats our name.. pretty hot.. jess thought of it.. anyway.. we play at three at walter murray.. it's going to be a good game i think.. and it will give me some time away from studying for this homo exam.. things are way better in my weird depression department.. i seriously don't know what came over me, but talking with some people definately made a difference.. its way better! thanks to those that i talked to, you dudes are awesome.. not saying that the people i didn't talk to aren't, just that i talked to who was availiable! and it was grandoise.. and i'm back to my old self... pretty much anyway! basketball will help relieve any other tension that may be hidden! well, wish me luck! later days.

first final

well i studied from about 1:30 until neverending today.. it was.. grand.. all for my stupid first final.. i mean.. who puts finals on monday anyway? GOD! stupid history. . eff. . the past is the past.. who really cares anyway? haha.. arg.. oh well... i still have all of tomorrow and some of monday! so i should be good! thanks to kate for the like hour and half walk today! it was great to walk and talk with someone since it has definately been awhile! jeepers! haha love ya!

is this what it's supposed to be like?

so i'm sitting here listening to nickleback, which i tend to do lately when i'm alone, since it's carter's favourite band at the moment. it reminds me of him, but then why does it make me so depressed when i do it? is this what relationships are supposed to be like? i love him, i want to spend every free second with him.. so why do i get so angry with him? it seems like i get angry at the most arbitrary things.. most of it is so stupid, i mean, we are going on a year.. shouldn't i be over all of this by now? shouldn't i be able to live with all of the dumb things that he does.. like not call when i need to be called most? i mean hes no mind reader right? how the hell is he supposed to know what i'm thinking, or that i want him to call. do i expect too much? or is it just stress talking. i don't really know anymore. maybe it's just the insecurity talking, because i've never been with a guy for this long and i think i'm scared of whats going to happen. i'm surprised that he has stuck with me for this long.. it's really impressive. even though, things have changed in the last little bit, and i don't know if it's for the better or for worse.. i'm actually kind of glad that he's leaving for 12 days to hawaii.. it will give me time to think about what i want. god this is so depressing. i miss him and he's a freaking phone call away.. what's wrong with me lately. fighting with everyone.. not caring.. practically failing biology.. lying to everyone. crying all the time, so much that it seems i have no tears left at all. but such a happy exterior, like a mask so people don't suspect so they don't know or ask questions of me. because i don't want to explain to them what's going on inside of me. arg.. i always get a good thing like this and start second guessing myself. i am my own worst enemy.. i can't let myself just be happy.. always overcomplicate things. and yet.. there seems to be no alternative to what i'm feeling. deeper and deeper into the abyss i seem to plunge. i wonder if one day i'll even be able to pull myself out. now that i don't have school to escape to.. where am i supposed to go? rowing will help i guess.. and i can only be plastic at work for so long. i can't just disappear from my house for extended periods of time, my parents will start to worry, and i don't want that to happen, because they have too much on their minds right now. god i miss being a kid. no cares no worries just fuck around to your hearts content because you could. some of the best times of your life. treasure them while you can guys because before you know it.. you will be having kids of your own. .. so this went from relationships, to me just being pretty much screwed up. this really has nothing to do with him at all. but i do love him.

last day of school

well today was the last day of my first year of university... only like 4 left! haha it was great, but sad all at the same time.. it started out with my fine arts 'final' which was the easiest shit of my life.. if i don't get 100 percent i'm going to cry.. haha cause seriously.. if only the rest of my finals would be that easy.. yikes.. im not so pumped about that hahah especially biology.. but i have like.. 20 days to study for that one.. my first one is on monday though.. 2000 years of history to learn in three days ladies and gentlemen.. haha.. and of course the last history class.. through the 'hobbit hole' with kate, jamie liz and myself.. marty showed up (marty, marty marty marty... MARTY!) [to the tune of that stupid song from the apprentice... hahah MONEY!] prof. reese was actually mildly entertaining today.. which was great.. go out on a good note.. that and the black plague.. haha both grand.. kara, andrew, gerrit, marty, myself, jamie, kate, liz [we were lacking in the clay, missed you buddy] *tear* the history 114 crew! forshizzle! haha well im going to miss everyone.. especially jamie since shes not coming back.. and will's not coming back either.. its quite depressing! thanks to everyone for all of the games of kaiser... speed.. slushes... trips through the cove.. meeting new friends.. parties.. [kate and jordan] lunches [michelle] and bus rides.. [haha katherine and my bus dates] they were great times.. i really loved all of it!! *heart*

sick and tired

i'm just sick and tired of people.. people and their problems that i don't care about.. why does everyone come to me with every little thing that has happened in their life? if i'm not involved, then trust me.. i really don't care.. and if i don't ask.. i didn't want to know.. at all! god.. everything is so stressful at this point of the year, finals.. work.. friends fighting.. i mean we have known each other forever.. why can't we just cut the shit and forget about it! christ. somehow when we all got into university everyone turned into ultimate bitch mode.. and don't even get me started on all the shit thats being going on with carter.. i mean.. i love him, i really do.. i'm just fed up with everyone right now.. and i can't escape it because my sister took my car.. i just want to go for a nice long drive and tune everything out for like.. ever.. but i can't do that.. .. i mean today after school was awesome! i went shopping with kate, tj and devin.. and i haven't seen those boys in forever! we went looking for shirts and just goofed around for about an hour and a half.. i bought a purse.. we got curly fries... and all in all it was a great time! as soon as i got home, it was back to this weird depression again, i just want to get away from my house.. go for a super long walk or something, and never come back! so right now i have the my chemical romance pumped in my headphones just chilling out. the only escape from relality that i can get right now, which is too bad... but i'll deal. peace out team.

well i've done it...

well i've finally done it.. i've become a blog whore.. *sigh* it's really too bad since i resisted for so long.. but whatever.. i figured i might as well vent on here.. rather than complicating everyone elses lives.. HAH! i'm not that considerate and we all know it. but at least my feelings will be written down on.. paper?