is this what it's supposed to be like?

so i'm sitting here listening to nickleback, which i tend to do lately when i'm alone, since it's carter's favourite band at the moment. it reminds me of him, but then why does it make me so depressed when i do it? is this what relationships are supposed to be like? i love him, i want to spend every free second with him.. so why do i get so angry with him? it seems like i get angry at the most arbitrary things.. most of it is so stupid, i mean, we are going on a year.. shouldn't i be over all of this by now? shouldn't i be able to live with all of the dumb things that he does.. like not call when i need to be called most? i mean hes no mind reader right? how the hell is he supposed to know what i'm thinking, or that i want him to call. do i expect too much? or is it just stress talking. i don't really know anymore. maybe it's just the insecurity talking, because i've never been with a guy for this long and i think i'm scared of whats going to happen. i'm surprised that he has stuck with me for this long.. it's really impressive. even though, things have changed in the last little bit, and i don't know if it's for the better or for worse.. i'm actually kind of glad that he's leaving for 12 days to hawaii.. it will give me time to think about what i want. god this is so depressing. i miss him and he's a freaking phone call away.. what's wrong with me lately. fighting with everyone.. not caring.. practically failing biology.. lying to everyone. crying all the time, so much that it seems i have no tears left at all. but such a happy exterior, like a mask so people don't suspect so they don't know or ask questions of me. because i don't want to explain to them what's going on inside of me. arg.. i always get a good thing like this and start second guessing myself. i am my own worst enemy.. i can't let myself just be happy.. always overcomplicate things. and yet.. there seems to be no alternative to what i'm feeling. deeper and deeper into the abyss i seem to plunge. i wonder if one day i'll even be able to pull myself out. now that i don't have school to escape to.. where am i supposed to go? rowing will help i guess.. and i can only be plastic at work for so long. i can't just disappear from my house for extended periods of time, my parents will start to worry, and i don't want that to happen, because they have too much on their minds right now. god i miss being a kid. no cares no worries just fuck around to your hearts content because you could. some of the best times of your life. treasure them while you can guys because before you know it.. you will be having kids of your own. .. so this went from relationships, to me just being pretty much screwed up. this really has nothing to do with him at all. but i do love him.